Finally! This is my first chance to write something in three days besides a critical analysis or an informative speech. I believe I have encountered a massive boulder in my path. Every day gets a little worse than the previous day. I have received bad news in one form another for what seems like weeks. This is not me. I never whined this way. I would just roll that boulder out of my path. I do not have the strength anymore. There are just too many things to do. I am many things. I am not superwoman. I screamed yesterday. Actually, it was more of a growl. It was about midnight and I was still working on a critical analysis paper. The frustration had apparently built up to an explosive level. It scared the schnauzer. It scared me a little too. I did not know it was me for a few seconds. I jumped as though an intruder was in my home, then I realized the sound came from my throat. I am so frustrated. I try to think positively, the way I once did when my biggest fan was here beside me, but he is not here. I am still stuck on angry.
My emotions are all over the place and the lack of sleep is taking its toll. I do not notice it until someone takes a photograph of me. It makes me sick. I get even more frustrated. I wonder when I turned into this ugly hag with bags underneath her eyes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel again. I want to feel alive again. I was never what one might call a “looker,” but he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling special.
When Grief tries to eat Hope, it is not pretty. Today, I searched my mind for some remnant of Hope. I found him in a corner of my mind, cowering and alone. I asked him what he was so afraid of and he replied, “Annihilation.”
The nineteenth was a hard day for me. Just when I thought I had the “D-day marker” kicked, it kicked me. Everyone tells me that it will get better, you must be strong, God has a plan…I’ve heard it all. I am sick of hearing it all. Right now, I do not see this big master plan. It will never get better. People just do not see this battle between Grief and Hope the way I do. Grief is mean. It cuts you, kicks you, and is so pain consumed that it only wants to cause pain for others. Its main foe is Hope. If Grief can kill Hope, then it wins. If there is no Hope, there is no reason. I know I cannot destroy Grief, but I am searching my mind for a way to contain it so that it cannot hurt Hope. I do not know whether Hope or Grief will win. I am rooting for Hope because I shudder to think of what Grief will do if he wins. I think Grief would kill.
While excavating my mind for a way to strengthen Hope, (I’ve surpassed merely digging, I am excavating desperately), I ran into me. Not the person I am now, but the strong happy person I was ten years ago. She cowered in her own corner. She is merely a shell, barely breathing now. She will die soon.
I am sick of seeing judgment in everyone’s face; I am sick of seeing judgment in my own face. I really just want someone to look at me and see the person I was when I was strong, when I was happy. I want someone to pull her from the corner she cowers in and tell her that she is awesome. I want someone to save her from Grief. I want someone to save her or end her suffering. Either way…