Archive | April 2012

The flowers onc…


The flowers once exuded the beauty of life itself. The blooms would close in the darkness as though warding off some invisible threat of the night. The sunlight beckoned them to show their glory so that the world could revel in their beauty. It is their gift to the world of the living. They breathe and live so that we may share in their beauty. The sunlight never came again after one cold dark night. The flowers died. They knew.

©Relinda R.

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I remember…


I remember when paper dolls danced freely and fell in love. I remember when kisses could heal wounds and nice dreams always came true. It was a long time ago. I remember the moment I woke from a nice dream that was my life. I was jolted into a waking nightmare. I have not slept since. I would like to sleep now. The paper dolls are withering and lay tattered and drenched, rotting away within some dark recess of my mind.

©Relinda R.

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Annihilation


     Finally! This is my first chance to write something in three days besides a critical analysis or an informative speech. I believe I have encountered a massive boulder in my path. Every day gets a little worse than the previous day. I have received bad news in one form another for what seems like weeks. This is not me. I never whined this way. I would just roll that boulder out of my path. I do not have the strength anymore. There are just too many things to do. I am many things. I am not superwoman. I screamed yesterday. Actually, it was more of a growl. It was about midnight and I was still working on a critical analysis paper. The frustration had apparently built up to an explosive level. It scared the schnauzer. It scared me a little too. I did not know it was me for a few seconds. I jumped as though an intruder was in my home, then I realized the sound came from my throat. I am so frustrated. I try to think positively, the way I once did when my biggest fan was here beside me, but he is not here. I am still stuck on angry.

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     My emotions are all over the place and the lack of sleep is taking its toll. I do not notice it until someone takes a photograph of me. It makes me sick. I get even more frustrated. I wonder when I turned into this ugly hag with bags underneath her eyes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel again. I want to feel alive again. I was never what one might call a “looker,” but he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling special.

     When Grief tries to eat Hope, it is not pretty. Today, I searched my mind for some remnant of Hope. I found him in a corner of my mind, cowering and alone. I asked him what he was so afraid of and he replied, “Annihilation.”

     The nineteenth was a hard day for me. Just when I thought I had the “D-day marker” kicked, it kicked me. Everyone tells me that it will get better, you must be strong, God has a plan…I’ve heard it all. I am sick of hearing it all. Right now, I do not see this big master plan. It will never get better. People just do not see this battle between Grief and Hope the way I do. Grief is mean. It cuts you, kicks you, and is so pain consumed that it only wants to cause pain for others. Its main foe is Hope. If Grief can kill Hope, then it wins. If there is no Hope, there is no reason. I know I cannot destroy Grief, but I am searching my mind for a way to contain it so that it cannot hurt Hope. I do not know whether Hope or Grief will win. I am rooting for Hope because I shudder to think of what Grief will do if he wins. I think Grief would kill.

    While excavating my mind for a way to strengthen Hope, (I’ve surpassed merely digging, I am excavating desperately), I ran into me. Not the person I am now, but the strong happy person I was ten years ago. She cowered in her own corner. She is merely a shell, barely breathing now. She will die soon.

     I am sick of seeing judgment in everyone’s face; I am sick of seeing judgment in my own face. I really just want someone to look at me and see the person I was when I was strong, when I was happy. I want someone to pull her from the corner she cowers in and tell her that she is awesome. I want someone to save her from Grief. I want someone to save her or end her suffering. Either way…

©Relinda R.

 

Someday


I face each day with the knowledge that I will end it the same way—alone. I face the knowledge that I will never again feel the sun on my face or know the warmth of an embrace. The worst part is that I face each day knowing I will face the same day again tomorrow. I only exist. How glorious the sun would feel upon my skin. Someday.

©Relinda R.

http://www.wnrn.org/acoustic-sunrise/

Adrift


You left me on the 19th day of December. It was cold. I could not say goodbye. You were the rock on which I anchored my anomalous spirit. You were the safe harbor I sought when life threw turbulent waves my way. Now there is no anchor to still me as I drift alone. I battle the turbulent waves with no sight of safe refuge. There is little choice but to sink into the depths of despair. Today marks 28 months adrift on the ocean of tears I have cried. I still cannot find the words to say goodbye. I cannot face the finality.

©Relinda R.

Always the Same


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http://paulbates.com/florida-beach-scenic-sunrise-pictures-photos/

 

The sun will rise tomorrow, with or without me. Roosters will crow and alarms will sound, whether I hear it or not. People will walk or drive to get to the places they go. Where do they all go? The day will end, regardless of what happens to me. People will talk and laugh. People will hurt and cry. Babies will be born and people will die. It does not matter what I do. It may rain tomorrow or the sun may shine. I know one thing; everything will happen just the same whether I see it or not.

©Relinda R.

…eternity


I hear all the laughter that drifts through the air during days such as these. I see lovers embracing as the implied warmth of the season inspires the heart. And my heart dies a little more. What selfish creature am I to envy those in love? Envy shames me so. It is the happiness of others that I seek to encourage, but still…a part of me desperately craves the happiness I once knew. I miss the embrace of the one I love, I miss the kisses too. I can see the sun beaming down from above, but I cannot feel the warmth anymore. It is cold. It is always cold. And dark. The darkness consumes me. I could feel your heart beating so loud and so fast, thump, thump, thump…thump……thump……….thump. And, then no more. I could feel my heart doing the same.  It is so silent in the darkness. Ask of me what eternity may be likened unto and I would reply: “Two years, two years is as eternity.” Ask the same question of me again next year and I will reply, “Three years, three years is as eternity.”

©Relinda R.