I have transformed into something I despise. I have become one of those people who are so absorbed in self-pity that a dark threatening cloud follows them everywhere. I am not sure how the transformation occurred, but I know that it did. People once referred to me as an eternal optimist. I made everything fun. I was the fun person in a crowd. Whenever someone would complain, I was there offering encouragement and helping them to find a positive perspective to grasp. What happened to me?

I have been considering my ghastly transformation lately. It reminds me of “Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka. I can see the change in my reflection. Even though my eyes are brown, they seem to be blending into black now. I scour the mirror for some sign of me, but I am not in there. I recognize the hair, but even it has transformed. Where gold locks once shined, there are now only dull gray strands. The smile looks familiar but it is only painted there on canvas stretched in pain. What happened to the smile people once wanted to see?

Eyes, once bright and full of hope, now blurry and filled with pain stare back at me blankly. Dark circles surround those eyes. They seem as empty as a starless black night. I do not know the stranger who stares back at me. She seems broken and empty. What happened to the person I used to be?

I miss so many things from before my transformation. I once scolded my daughter for her negativity. Talk about irony. I once looked forward to every day as though God had made it just for me. Now, I anticipate nothing. I curse each morning and cry each night. I have transformed into a creature I despise. Whining and crying about unchangeable things. I never whined or cried before my transformation. I have morphed into an ugly monster no one wants to see. What happened to the hugs that sustained my vitality?

I am transforming into something dark, something that should never see light. I am considering removing all the mirrors in my home. I am transforming into something I do not think I want to see. I am transforming into something that everyone will fear, something that I will want to kill. I miss so many things. I miss love. I miss hugs. Dare I whisper it?—I miss me.



2 thoughts on “Transformation

  1. I miss you too
    Ever once in a while I almost see the old you for a minute and I pray for the day when I’ll see happiness in your eyes again!

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