I was alone at work today and spent a lot of time thinking. I remembered when I began taking college courses. I was so excited and so optimistic that I could not wait to tell him everything about my classes. I did not feel out of place because there were many other non-traditional students pursuing the same goals as me. I will never forget how much it meant to me when my Music instructor told me that I was “a super awesome student.” I beamed with pride. He beamed with pride. One particular exam consisted of about 75 possible terms. I studied so hard for that test because I wanted to make a perfect score. He helped me study every night. He told me that he was learning a lot too. I will never forget his expression when I explained how the Castrati obtained their beautiful voices. We had so much fun studying together. When I told my instructor how my husband was helping me, she said that I should do something special for him. He also endured the heat so that we could attend a fourth of July concert so that I could complete an assignment. He sacrificed so much so that I could concentrate on my studies.
He not only helped me study, he encouraged me to study. When I wrote a 30-page paper for my Biology class, he took care of our three dogs so I could complete the paper. I remember that we withstood a hurricane one night when I had Biology class. He refused to let me drive because the weather was so bad and I refused to miss class, so he drove me to class. He sat out in the truck for almost three hours and never complained.
I miss my husband. Once upon a time, I called him whenever I turned off the highway onto our dirt road. We played a little game in which I would say, “Guess where I am at?” and he would reply, “Are you on Caney?” If our daughter were nearby when we did that, she would roll her eyes and possibly gag. I think of that every time I turn off the highway. I even tried to call him once to let him know I was nearly home but then, reality hit me like a brick. Once upon a time, I called my love to tell him everything. I turn my phone off now. He already knows.
Time stops on Saturday night. The nights are a hundred hours long. The days go by fast, but the nights drag out forever.
I could really use one of his hugs right now. I would tell him what a wonderful husband and father he is. I would tell him how we will grow old together and sit in matching rocking chairs. I would tell him how much I love him. Most of all, I would never let go. Realizing that I will never again feel safe in his arms while on this earth is the loneliest and emptiest feeling ever.
©2011-12 Relinda R.