Archive | May 2012

Silence…


     I often think about the pain people endure. Physical pain…emotional pain…it all hurts. For some, it becomes a pissing contest to see who hurts worse. What a sad reflection of humanity. There are days that I pray to God to allow me to go home, but I know in my soul that there are others hurting so deeply that I cannot begin to fathom their pain. We all hurt. It stems from our free will. As I walked my little schnauzer this evening, I talked to God. My feet are hurting so badly from plantar fasciitis that sometimes I do not think I can take another step, but I keep stepping because I must. I agreed to this path long, long ago. I know that deep within my soul, but it does not prevent me from begging God to let me go home. As the schnauzer and I walked, I announced to God that I have accepted the fact that I will never again be loved, but what is so difficult is accepting that I cannot see my love ever again in this life. I asked God how much longer I must suffer. There was only silence. Not even the wind dared to whisper.

©2012 Relinda R.

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Damn Cake


     Well, dammit! I was so proud of myself for making it two whole days without having a meltdown. Then, out of nowhere, I had a major meltdown. Saturday, my best friend brought her mower over and mowed my yard while I did some weed eating and worked on shoveling dirt out of my weed-infested flowerbed. I thought it was great that I was able to do outside work without crying. You see, Doyle kept an immaculate lawn and our 80-feet retaining wall was covered with beautiful flowers and roses of all kinds. It died when he died. I have struggled to keep the lawn mowed and tend to outside chores since his death. There I was, sweating pools, but not crying pools.

     We had our annual cemetery decoration day Sunday. I was the main speaker last year and it was tough. This year, I just shared a few memories and read a poem that I wrote. I did not cry. (I seldom cry in front of people, but I usually have a meltdown afterward when I am alone). However, I stayed strong yesterday.

     I was off work today for the holiday. I did a lot of house cleaning and washed my linen. I was on my feet all day. I also washed my daughter’s car to get it ready for selling. It was her first car. Doyle found it when she was 15-years-old and we bought it for her. I was recalling the way he came home from work to tell me about it and how I was a little perturbed because I was working outside and he wanted to go look at it right that moment. We went. We bought it the next day. I remembered all that, but I did not cry. In fact, I smiled because he never let me live down the fact that he was right to convince me to go look at it.

     I made it through two days filled with memories and I decided to bake a cake this evening. I was frosting the cake when I had a meltdown. While spreading the chocolate frosting, I thought about the way Doyle did not care much for sweets. He preferred frosting-free cake. Whenever I made a cake, I always left part of it unfrosted for him. I also did that with cupcakes. I love chocolate so I would eat frosted cupcakes while he ate plain cupcakes. Oh my God, how I miss that! That is what got the tears rolling, a damn cake.  I frosted the entire cake and imagined how great it would have been if he had been sitting in his spot at the dining room table just waiting for his unfrosted cake.

     I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. I miss the man I love so much. People think it gets better with time. That is bullshit; it gets even more difficult because it has been that much longer since you have seen the person you love. Every time I make a wish, I wish that I had my husband back. It does not matter whether it is my prayers or a shooting star, that is what I wish. I have not had a birthday cake since I was a little girl, but if I did and it had candles—I would wish to see my Doyle.

 

©2012 Relinda R.

Another Nine


     For nearly 20 years, my husband never left the house without kissing me. We never spent one night apart during that time. We did everything together. We raised children, poultry, and puppies together. We built our retaining wall together. We tore down my chicken house and built our shop together. We laughed. We cried. We loved. Our goal was always to spend every moment together that we could. We dreamed of the day we would retire and spend more time together doing things we enjoyed. That day never came.

     There is no way to make people understand the devastation of losing a spouse. Your whole life changes overnight. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot comprehend coming home to hugs and laughter changing into coming home to silence. You go through the motions of living, but everything is hazy. You wake up, go to work, come home, run errands, and do chores—but it is all just motions of living.

     The last two-and-a-half years have been devoid of kisses. I have spent every night alone. I have my schnauzer here, but he has his own bed. I have tried to keep my yard mowed, but this year I have not been successful. I have tried to tend to the mechanics of maintaining vehicles and lawn mowers. I have tried to juggle working full-time while attending college full-time. I do not have goals anymore; I am merely keeping the promises I made to my dying husband. All my dreams died with him.

     As each day passes, I miss him more. The loneliness settles in my bones and I just cannot shake it. I often think how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake but that is not my choice to make. My suffering must continue until I am allowed to go home. For 20 years, I had love, hugs, and kisses.  I wonder how long I must endure life without.  

 

To be continued…

 

©2012 Relinda R.

Circle


Circle

 

I stood among the magical red and yellow trees,

The place we stood and felt the cool autumn breeze.

I begged you to take me away to the place you went,

I screamed to you to take me from this torment.

 

The wind began to blow and you whispered to me,

“You cannot go just yet; you have many things to see.”

You felt the stony earth cold beneath your feet

From the time of your birth until your life was complete.

 

I screamed loudly at you for leaving me all alone

And you whispered through the wind, “I am not gone.

I left footprints to guide your way through the dark

and I live in your heart where I made a permanent mark.”

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I cried to you, I begged God to bring you back to me

And you told me that we will meet again in eternity.

I asked why your life had to end that way, my friend

And you replied, “Life goes on; it never really ends.”

 

You told me life is a circle going round and round,

It never ends. We all walk upon the stony ground

And others will follow the footprints we leave

Until it is time to see each other again. Just believe.

 

You live on in my heart and my memory,

Everything you saw, I can see clearly.

You are the wind, the sun, the stars and the moon.

You are the inspiration for the sparrow’s tune.

 

Life is a circle going round and round,

It never ends. We all walk upon the stony ground.

You are still with me and you did not leave.

 

©Relinda