For nearly 20 years, my husband never left the house without kissing me. We never spent one night apart during that time. We did everything together. We raised children, poultry, and puppies together. We built our retaining wall together. We tore down my chicken house and built our shop together. We laughed. We cried. We loved. Our goal was always to spend every moment together that we could. We dreamed of the day we would retire and spend more time together doing things we enjoyed. That day never came.
There is no way to make people understand the devastation of losing a spouse. Your whole life changes overnight. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot comprehend coming home to hugs and laughter changing into coming home to silence. You go through the motions of living, but everything is hazy. You wake up, go to work, come home, run errands, and do chores—but it is all just motions of living.
The last two-and-a-half years have been devoid of kisses. I have spent every night alone. I have my schnauzer here, but he has his own bed. I have tried to keep my yard mowed, but this year I have not been successful. I have tried to tend to the mechanics of maintaining vehicles and lawn mowers. I have tried to juggle working full-time while attending college full-time. I do not have goals anymore; I am merely keeping the promises I made to my dying husband. All my dreams died with him.
As each day passes, I miss him more. The loneliness settles in my bones and I just cannot shake it. I often think how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake but that is not my choice to make. My suffering must continue until I am allowed to go home. For 20 years, I had love, hugs, and kisses. I wonder how long I must endure life without.
To be continued…
©2012 Relinda R.