Burial

Burial

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I buried you on a dreary winter day.

It was cold and I remember freezing,

I am freezing still in a strange way.

I remember the song “Arms of an Angel” playing

as everyone lined up to see you and say goodbye.

I was praying that an angel was saying

That everything would be all right.

I remember a strange buzzing in my head

 as I picked out your favorite pair of Levis

 But I couldn’t hear what the angel said.

Because of the incessant buzzing in my head

And I could feel it vibrating in my heart.  

I remember requesting that your cap be on your head,

as it always was in life.

I remember the tears that slid down my face

as I took your hand and asked, “Is that better, honey?”

Those same tears still slide down my cheeks,

sometimes forming a pool around my heart.

I remember trying to smile at everyone

and make them feel at ease

while the sound of my heart breaking

deafened me.

That sound deafens me still.

The smile I wore as a mask

to hide my grief was made of iron will.

I wear that mask still.

I know you are not in pain

and I know that you are doing fine,

but I miss you terribly.

I know that I will never hear

the words “I love you”

again in this life,

but I continue on

doing what I must do.

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People tell me how strong I am,

they do not know how I fall

to my knees when no one is looking.

I know that I will see you again,

But I always ask when…when.

I remember staring at the wooden box

you were in before it was lowered into

the ground and thinking how

it could not be real.

I was worried that you would be

so cold that night.

I was. I am cold still.

I know I promised you

that I would be fine and that you

should do what you had to do,

I lied. I never lied to you before,

but I had to so that you would stop

worrying about me. I am sorry that I lied.

I remember that cold day in December

when I said “see you later.”

It was the darkest and coldest day I ever knew.

I have not felt warmth or seen the sun since that month.

What did I do? Whatever did I do?

I miss you, my love. I miss you so very much.

When I buried you, I buried part of me too.

It is my wish that you are warm now and feel the sun.

It is my wish that you are no longer in pain.

It is my wish that one day… you will be standing in front of me

with open arms, saying “I love you.”

Only then, will I feel warmth once again.

©2012 Relinda R.

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