I know that people want to read about laughter and puppy dogs. This is the part where I am supposed to write about how wonderful life is and how great it is to be enjoying this Saturday night with the one I love. I’ve never been much of a crowd pleaser. The truth is that I am not imagining life to be a wonderful thing. I also curse Saturday nights because they remind me how truly alone that I am. I fight the urge to share my writing because people don’t want to hear about how sad and lonely it really is. I surrender to the urge only when I think that perhaps someone else in the world is feeling exactly the way I feel right now. Perhaps my writing will remind that person that they are not the only one who feels so alone.
I don’t care how independent a woman is, every girl wants to hear that she looks pretty every now and then. She just does. Every girl wants flowers once in awhile to make her feel special. She just does. I live without ever feeling pretty or getting flowers. When I received roses from my children for Mother’s Day, I realized just how much I miss flowers. Every girl wants to get a little love note occasionally. The only notes I get are the ones I write myself to remind me how to function the next day. And hugs—God, how I miss his hugs. I never thought that I would live without hugs, but I am still breathing. I go for months and months without any human touch. That makes the mind slip a bit. You forget that you are human too. You forget that humans need physical contact. As for other contact, I’ll just say that some people associate sex with sin. I am not one of those people. I’ll also say that this celibacy crap sucks.
I have not smiled one single time today. That thought just crossed my mind. And when I know that things will be worse tomorrow and the next day, I cannot find a reason to smile. Puppy dogs—well, I do have my Pepper Da’ schnauzer. If you wanted to read about laughter and puppy dogs, well, there is a puppy dog. There is no laughter, not anymore.