Today, four years ago, we went shopping together. The air was turning cool and I was excited about welcoming autumn. He hated winter because he worked outside in the cold and the cold seeped into his bones. We would jokingly argue about summer versus winter, teasing each other about who was right. Since he had to work outside all day, he won, but he knew how much I loved the autumn season. It does not matter to me anymore. I barely notice the seasons now. I loved seeing all the color among the trees and the cool breeze, just whispering that cuddling weather was near. I do not cuddle anymore. When our children were small, we loved getting ready for the holidays. We would go shopping together and hide presents so that the kids would have a happy Christmas. We had a tree and decorated to celebrate the holiday. Every Thanksgiving, I would begin preparing food the day before and the next morning, I would wake early to get the turkey into the oven. I always wanted to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade and he preferred the Sci-fi channel. I teased him so much about that channel because it plays some of the corniest shows. He teased me about watching parades. I do not watch parades anymore. Instead, I watch the Sci-fi channel. I push 1-2-2 on the remote and just stare at the screen. It is funny, I can stare at it for hours, but I could not tell you what I am watching. I could sketch the Sci-fi logo in my sleep though. Now, Pepper da’ schnauzer and I eat peanut butter and jelly on Thanksgiving Day and remember when there was turkey and laughter in our home.
The autumn I once treasured is gone. The only thing that matters now is the colder weather. I get sick of the heat. Physically, I need the winter. Mentally, I do not know if I can make it through another winter. I am realizing that my belief of life being purposeful fades, as the knowledge that my existence is merely punishment becomes reality.
©2012 Relinda R.