So, it is New Year’s Eve again. I face another year alone. I faced 2010, 2011, and 2012, I guess I have not redeemed my sin because now I am now facing my fourth year alone. It sucks, it really sucks. I keep dreaming of the 20 years that we spent nights ushering in the new year while in each other’s arms. Showering kisses on each other’s lips like magical dust. I will never feel those perfect lips upon my own again. As I end my third year alone, the thoughts that prevail in my mind—I will never feel those perfect lips upon my own again. I will never feel those strong arms around me again. I will never know love again.
I remember the last New Year’s Eve. I spent the entire night crying my eyes out after two friends told me that my grief dishonored my husband’s memory. Cut like a knife. I never feel that my love for him dishonors his memory. I miss him. Perhaps my grief holds him back, but my grief holds me back too. When you love someone so deeply, you will grieve just as deeply. Every step I take and every little thing I do—I remember him. And just when I catch myself smiling, I remember that he is gone. He is gone and he is not coming back.
I do not have to imagine what 2013 holds for me, I already know. The new year will be the same empty existence I found during the last three years. My year will consist of trying to pretend that my loneliness somehow proves my independence. I will spend my nights clutching a red scrunchie so tightly while I beg my dead husband to talk to me. I will spend my days doing what I have to do in order to endure my punishment so that I can feel those lips and strong arms around me once again. I will spend the year waiting…again. I miss you, my love.
©2012 Relinda R.