Killing Optimism

“Totally without hope one cannot live. To live without hope is to cease to live. Hell is hopelessness. It is no accident that above the entrance to Dante’s hell is the inscription: “Leave behind all hope, you who enter here.”
Jürgen Moltmann

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It seems that optimism surrounds me. As much as I try to avoid it—it just keeps calling to me. I despise this time of the year. I despise welcoming some new year that offers so little to me. I despise it almost as much as Christmas commercialism at its finest. I expect one thing from this new year—to be one year closer to fulfilling a promise I made years ago and one year closer to reuniting with my heart. Grief killed Hope long ago. Hope is no longer pulling at the drawstrings of my mind. I wished upon all the falling stars I could find and I pretended all that one can, prior to completely breaking with reality.  Oh, it was a mighty battle when Hope and Grief tangled. Hope had resorted to hiding among the corners of my mind, just prolonging the inevitable. When Grief found him cowering, he struck a mighty blow, but Hope stood strong and fought to the end. I watched as the two battled like worthy knights battling for the love of a woman. I watched as Grief dealt the deathblow that would silence Hope forever. I cried. Hope was the only chance at renewal. Hope is dead.

A resounding “NO” meets every wish I have made during the last few years. The sound reverberates within my mind…No, No, No. How solemn it is to live without Hope. I think knowing him for 44 years makes his absence more devastating. I was an optimist. I always had Hope, even when Hope wanted to go away.

I see the way people look at me now, or rather do not notice me. I suppose that when I had Hope it just did not matter. I was once loved. I was once adored. When you are loved, you perceive a reflection of the person your lover sees. When love goes away and Grief murders Hope, you see an accurate reflection of yourself. When I gaze into a mirror, I see an image so haggard it makes me gasp in disbelief. When Hope is dead, you see only reality. There are no rose-tinted glasses or dreams blocking the accurate view. There is only reality. Reality is lonely.

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I found Optimism hiding with all the Others and I asked what it is they are so frightened of and Optimism said they did not want to live in hell anymore.

©2012 Relinda R.

 

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3 thoughts on “Killing Optimism

  1. Pingback: YOU HAVE NO HOPE « MY JOURNEY'S INSIGHT

  2. Your words blow me away. I cannot respond. Your words carry the shards of a heart broken into pieces and scattering like dust. This is an amazing depiction of grief and it couldn’t be worse than what you’ve written. I am sharing your words on my blog with a link back to your blog. You will touch many other people with your writing, Relinda. But I am still not convinced that you will feel this way forever.

    • Thank you so much, Judy! I appreciate you sharing my work on your blog with a link. I would love to share my work with more people. I will not feel this way forever, only until I am done with this life. I know that when I cross over, I will see him again. Thank you again, my friend!

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