Another New Year’s Eve

So, it is New Year’s Eve again. I face another year alone. I faced 2010, 2011, and 2012, I guess I have not redeemed my sin because now I am now facing my fourth year alone. It sucks, it really sucks. I keep dreaming of the 20 years that we spent nights ushering in the new year while in each other’s arms. Showering kisses on each other’s lips like magical dust. I will never feel those perfect lips upon my own again. As I end my third year alone, the thoughts that prevail in my mind—I will never feel those perfect lips upon my own again. I will never feel those strong arms around me again. I will never know love again.

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I remember the last New Year’s Eve. I spent the entire night crying my eyes out after two friends told me that my grief dishonored my husband’s memory. Cut like a knife. I never feel that my love for him dishonors his memory. I miss him. Perhaps my grief holds him back, but my grief holds me back too. When you love someone so deeply, you will grieve just as deeply. Every step I take and every little thing I do—I remember him. And just when I catch myself smiling, I remember that he is gone. He is gone and he is not coming back.

I do not have to imagine what 2013 holds for me, I already know. The new year will be the same empty existence I found during the last three years. My year will consist of trying to pretend that my loneliness somehow proves my independence. I will spend my nights clutching a red scrunchie so tightly while I beg my dead husband to talk to me. I will spend my days doing what I have to do in order to endure my punishment so that I can feel those lips and strong arms around me once again. I will spend the year waiting…again. I miss you, my love.

©2012 Relinda R.

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13 thoughts on “Another New Year’s Eve

  1. The new year has started. As I put one foot in front of the other in my own life – I am thinking of you, Relinda. What will this year bring? I am hoping better things for both of us. I have hope and as you know – that’s something I wish to share with you. Please write again soon.

      • No apologies necessary, Relinda. Actually, your words brought a big smile to my face. You said something with pure honesty, and it actually was hopeful.

        You said you expected nothing. Well that’s actually such a good place to be. It brings surprises when least expected. And it wasn’t a negative statement. A negative statement would have been, “I expect more misery and continued hell.”

        Perhaps that is what you would have liked to write. But you didn’t. That’s a start. Hope was slaughtered by grief. But hope never dies. 🙂

  2. Pingback: I’LL LIVE WITHIN MY BROKEN HEART « MY JOURNEY'S INSIGHT

  3. I felt every word you wrote except for the ‘perfect lips on mine’. My grief is for the loss of my son, but we feel the same. I have never heard from another type of loss the close connection to my feelings for my son and myself. I lost my son in 2010, so this is my 3rd year too. Last night I watched the New Year come in on TV and the tears began to flow. This morning when I woke up, again the tears began to flow. As I was holding my 2 month old grandson I remembered when my son was that little, and again the tears began to flow. I guess 2013 will not be a better year for me either.
    Just take care of yourself the best you can and besides the pain, try to find comfort in remembering your loved one. As painful as it can be, hang on to his memory. They do deserve to be remembered even though others think we should be moving on and letting them go.

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Ann. I am sorry for your loss. The holidays are especially difficult to manage. I read a quotation once that stated you never really die as long as someone remembers you. I think it is appropriate for the situation. As long as we remember our loved ones, they live on within our hearts. I hope that you are able to find some comfort. Grab it where you can. Peace be with you.

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