“Searching for and chronicling those moments of happiness may be the force necessary to expel the intruder from within my soul. I do not want to write like Gertrude Stein and unfortunately, the repetition of self-pity is gaining a strong foothold in anything I write. Thank you to my dear friend, Michael, for reminding me that those little moments are what really matters. I remembered a moment from my own twilight sleep that may turn out to be my source of salvation in this lifetime.”
~Relinda from Within Sept. 2012
So many things have changed in a year. It is ironic that the moment in which I become inspired to write again I do not have the time to write. The last few months have been a chaotic whirlwind of changes … mostly good changes. I began a new job, which I absolutely love. I created a new mindset, which I had to do in order to survive. That mindset is truly evolving into my salvation.
I spent years slowly sinking into a pit as I was consumed with grief and self-pity. Both emotions still linger, but they do not control my actions. Whenever either emotion begins to surface, I simply refuse to surrender. I will not let them have control. I devised a code-word to battle each emotion. Whenever the familiar feelings of hopelessness emerge, I utter my code-word to block them. It works. I found it is the only way for me to maintain some semblance of normalcy.
I came to realize that it is difficult for others to comprehend the depth of love that Doyle and I shared. It was real; it was a love so deep that it is rare. We were truly connected. I don’t know whether that classifies us as “soul-mates,” but I do know that when he left this earth, I left with him. A part of me remains with him. I’ll never be as I once was…ever, but I’ve accepted that I must continue and work to complete the tasks I agreed to complete.
Self-pity taints the overwhelming grief that I experience and battle daily. People I know also have a difficult time grasping that concept. As a human being, I naturally long for companionship, but I know that is gone forever. It is difficult to embrace experiencing life alone. Those who condemn me do so while someone loves them. I am coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever love me again. It just takes time to accept. In the same breath, I also recognize how fortunate I was that someone loved me so much. Some people, although seemingly never alone, never know the depths of love I experienced. I keep reminding myself that I should be grateful for the years that someone loved me, and stop yearning to be loved again. I am only human though; I am trying to overcome the overwhelming loneliness. The studies indicating that human beings require touch and hugs to exist are false. I am learning that a person can exist without touch. It is sad to do so, but I assure you that you will not die from lack of human contact.
I took many great strides overcoming grief during the last year; however, I have many great strides still to take. I am lucky that I have such a wonderful family and supportive friends who never give up on me. I don’t know how I will be in another year, but I know that I don’t fear the disparity of loneliness as much as I did a year ago. I am adjusting to solitude and acceptance of it. I hope that as I continue to bury and fight my emotions, I will gleefully report next year that I overcame the human instinct of craving romantic companionship. After all, it can always be worse.
So much has happened in one year and I do not dread tomorrow as much as I once did. My desire to finish my lesson in this life makes me too determined to stop now. My determination is my real salvation.
©Relinda R. September 2013