September 2013

Searching for and chronicling those moments of happiness may be the force necessary to expel the intruder from within my soul. I do not want to write like Gertrude Stein and unfortunately, the repetition of self-pity is gaining a strong foothold in anything I write. Thank you to my dear friend, Michael, for reminding me that those little moments are what really matters. I remembered a moment from my own twilight sleep that may turn out to be my source of salvation in this lifetime.”

~Relinda from Within Sept. 2012

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So many things have changed in a year. It is ironic that the moment in which I become inspired to write again I do not have the time to write. The last few months have been a chaotic whirlwind of changes … mostly good changes. I began a new job, which I absolutely love. I created a new mindset, which I had to do in order to survive. That mindset is truly evolving into my salvation.

I spent years slowly sinking into a pit as I was consumed with grief and self-pity. Both emotions still linger, but they do not control my actions. Whenever either emotion begins to surface, I simply refuse to surrender. I will not let them have control. I devised a code-word to battle each emotion. Whenever the familiar feelings of hopelessness emerge, I utter my code-word to block them. It works. I found it is the only way for me to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

I came to realize that it is difficult for others to comprehend the depth of love that Doyle and I shared. It was real; it was a love so deep that it is rare. We were truly connected. I don’t know whether that classifies us as “soul-mates,” but I do know that when he left this earth, I left with him. A part of me remains with him. I’ll never be as I once was…ever, but I’ve accepted that I must continue and work to complete the tasks I agreed to complete.

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Self-pity taints the overwhelming grief that I experience and battle daily. People I know also have a difficult time grasping that concept. As a human being, I naturally long for companionship, but I know that is gone forever. It is difficult to embrace experiencing life alone. Those who condemn me do so while someone loves them. I am coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever love me again. It just takes time to accept. In the same breath, I also recognize how fortunate I was that someone loved me so much. Some people, although seemingly never alone, never know the depths of love I experienced. I keep reminding myself that I should be grateful for the years that someone loved me, and stop yearning to be loved again. I am only human though; I am trying to overcome the overwhelming loneliness. The studies indicating that human beings require touch and hugs to exist are false. I am learning that a person can exist without touch. It is sad to do so, but I assure you that you will not die from lack of human contact.

I took many great strides overcoming grief during the last year; however, I have many great strides still to take. I am lucky that I have such a wonderful family and supportive friends who never give up on me. I don’t know how I will be in another year, but I know that I don’t fear the disparity of loneliness as much as I did a year ago. I am adjusting to solitude and acceptance of it. I hope that as I continue to bury and fight my emotions, I will gleefully report next year that I overcame the human instinct of craving romantic companionship. After all, it can always be worse.

So much has happened in one year and I do not dread tomorrow as much as I once did. My desire to finish my lesson in this life makes me too determined to stop now. My determination is my real salvation.

©Relinda R. September 2013

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4 thoughts on “September 2013

  1. Relinda, as I embark alone after an empty marriage – I understand that concept you write about in regards to being alone. I treasure my solitude and find great hopefulness with your post. You have made a lot of progress with your grief journey. More and more you will come to see that the anguish is farther behind and there are places ahead of you that you cannot foresee. Glad to hear you have a job that you love and support from your family. Doyle is smiling from above. 🙂

  2. Hey Relinda… If you check your stats you might notice a visit from Canada a few days back. It was me wondering if I’d lost contact with your blog–sometimes either wordpress bugs out or I do. I’m betting on the latter.
    Your post brings happiness on a Sunday evening. It was raining…now it is not 🙂

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