Tag Archive | autumn

Learning to be a Widow: Part IV: A Long Journey

Approaching the five-year anniversary of his death spurs so much reflection and realization. He’s really
not coming back. In my mind, I always knew that, but in my heart, a little part of me continued to hope. I’ve reached that important juncture, which most widows reach at some point. I have to accept reality and stop clinging to that little piece of hope left in my heart.1011893_650875218274935_1225401425_n
The reality is that I must complete this life alone. It’s taken me almost five years to accept that fact. I am not a young woman anymore. The most difficult part of accepting reality is adjusting what I believed most of my life. Like the indoctrination I often condemn – I, too, am indoctrinated. I’m indoctrinated to believe some part of the fairy tales I read, you know the kind. The kind of fairytales where everyone lives happily ever after and the future is bright and cheerful. That’s not reality. It may happen for some, but not for all. The reality is that happiness comes in pieces and all one can do is cling to those pieces and cherish the moments. They do not last. People leave. People change. People die. That is reality. Happiness is fleeting, and sometimes, all those pieces appear in one big chunk and that is all there is. There’s no fairytale ending; there’s no chance of a random piece drifting your way again. Acceptance, strength, and endurance replace bliss, love, and optimism.
I was one of the lucky ones. For nearly 20 years, I shared a love so special and so rare that many never find such a depth of companionship. For me, the only way to survive the emptiness that inevitably appears when it is over is to accept that it was the highlight of my life. Instead of whining about how there is nothing to look forward to, I should concentrate on looking back and recognize that something in my destiny allowed me to experience 20 years of happiness. And I should be grateful I had that. I was one of the lucky ones. But he is not coming back and it’s over. The future is merely an obstacle course that I must complete alone. No one can help me with that task.

goodbyeI’ve endured a lot of criticism for my extended grief and for loving someone so deeply that the two of us were inseparable, but I can’t change that. I can’t change the love I feel for a man who I’ll never see again, not during this lifetime. He is dead. I can’t deny that a part of me died with him. I’ll never again be the person I was before. I’ll never truly laugh again. But that’s okay because I laughed for so many years. I was happy and I was in love.
I was one of the lucky ones. Then destiny threw tragedy into the mix. I had it all, and now I don’t. The beginning reads, “Once upon a time there lived a girl who was in love with a man who loved her back for a long time.” The conclusion reads, “The man died one day and she was left alone. She knew happy times were over, but she realized that she was one of the lucky ones and learned to accept reality and focus on the memories.” ~The End~
©2014 Relinda R.


from Shades of Grief


Pictures-of-Autumn-21I had never watched the leaves so intently as during that brisk day near October’s end. Their dying dance hypnotized me. One lone leaf caught my full attention as it danced in the wind to join what I believed must have been its lover. I thought . . . it does not want to dance alone; it wants to dance one last time with its partner. The two clung tightly to each other as a gust of wind lifted them skyward and they floated back to the ground gracefully. It was a beautiful dance. They joined as though they were kissing each other goodbye. They lie still, never to dance again. I continued to stare intently as I wiped my cheek and the wind brushed my arm. And I thought . . . I just witnessed the most elegant last dance in the world. I envied those leaves.


©Relinda R.

The Icy Clutch of Winter

A vestige of once brilliantly colored leaves cling to the ground as the icy clutch of winter seeks to crush them into dust. Still…they fight to survive when they are only destined to perish. They float in the cool breath of the frosty air just to feel alive. They were once beautiful and vibrant, now struggling to find a home. Such a pointless struggle, it would seem. But in the end, it is not pointless, it is through their death that the soil is nourished and an endless cycle of life is created. Their brothers will thrive in the spring. They will thrive until winter’s icy clutch seeks to crush them too. I envy the dying leaves. Sometimes, I wish winter would wrap its icy arms around me and crush me too.

©2011 ~Relinda~ ImageRetrieved from FabulousNature.com – Nature Pictures