Tag Archive | lost

Solitude


“I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere. I am all these things, and I am nothing at all. This, my darling, is my life without you. I long for you to show me how to live again.”
Nicholas Sparks

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A very wise friend helped me to see that my purpose is to accept Solitude. I accept my fate. I fought so hard to deny it and I begged Clotho to weave it differently, but in the end—the sisters of fate prevail. I see my reflection in the mirror, but I am not there anymore. I am lost. I am alone. I am gone. Once, I slept within the warm embrace of love. Now, I slumber within the cold grasp of solitude. I surrender. I welcome it. I accept it.

Others always know best. You will heal. You will live again. You will get over it. You must move forward. Others know best? Do they? You have no right to hurt when others have hurt more. You should smile. You should laugh. You should be happy within Solitude’s grasp. Shouldn’t you? Smile while you suffer and die slowly and silently. Others always believe they know best.

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.” ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Eventually all the Others walk away, all but Solitude; he is always the victor in an unseen battle. Eventually, the facade fades and the curtains close, but Solitude waits in the wings to claim his rewards. Even the strongest shields sometimes crumble and fall away. But Solitude waits to make love to you. And gradually, you learn to love Solitude completely.

©2014 Relinda R.

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Awesomeness fades…


Awesomeness fades…

      I was alone at work today and spent a lot of time thinking. I remembered when I began taking college courses. I was so excited and so optimistic that I could not wait to tell him everything about my classes. I did not feel out of place because there were many other non-traditional students pursuing the same goals as me. I will never forget how much it meant to me when my Music instructor told me that I was “a super awesome student.” I beamed with pride. He beamed with pride. One particular exam consisted of about 75 possible terms. I studied so hard for that test because I wanted to make a perfect score. He helped me study every night. He told me that he was learning a lot too. I will never forget his expression when I explained how the Castrati obtained their beautiful voices. We had so much fun studying together. When I told my instructor how my husband was helping me, she said that I should do something special for him. He also endured the heat so that we could attend a fourth of July concert so that I could complete an assignment. He sacrificed so much so that I could concentrate on my studies.

     He not only helped me study, he encouraged me to study. When I wrote a 30-page paper for my Biology class, he took care of our three dogs so I could complete the paper. I remember that we withstood a hurricane one night when I had Biology class. He refused to let me drive because the weather was so bad and I refused to miss class, so he drove me to class. He sat out in the truck for almost three hours and never complained.

    I miss my husband. Once upon a time, I called him whenever I turned off the highway onto our dirt road. We played a little game in which I would say, “Guess where I am at?” and he would reply, “Are you on Caney?” If our daughter were nearby when we did that, she would roll her eyes and possibly gag. I think of that every time I turn off the highway. I even tried to call him once to let him know I was nearly home but then, reality hit me like a brick. Once upon a time, I called my love to tell him everything. I turn my phone off now. He already knows.

    Time stops on Saturday night. The nights are a hundred hours long. The days go by fast, but the nights drag out forever.

    I could really use one of his hugs right now. I would tell him what a wonderful husband and father he is. I would tell him how we will grow old together and sit in matching rocking chairs. I would tell him how much I love him. Most of all, I would never let go. Realizing that I will never again feel safe in his arms while on this earth is the loneliest and emptiest feeling ever.

©2011-12 Relinda R.