I buried you on a dreary winter day.
It was cold and I remember freezing,
I am freezing still in a strange way.
I remember the song “Arms of an Angel” playing
as everyone lined up to see you and say goodbye.
I was praying that an angel was saying
That everything would be all right.
I remember a strange buzzing in my head
as I picked out your favorite pair of Levis
But I couldn’t hear what the angel said.
Because of the incessant buzzing in my head
And I could feel it vibrating in my heart.
I remember requesting that your cap be on your head,
as it always was in life.
I remember the tears that slid down my face
as I took your hand and asked, “Is that better, honey?”
Those same tears still slide down my cheeks,
sometimes forming a pool around my heart.
I remember trying to smile at everyone
and make them feel at ease
while the sound of my heart breaking
That sound deafens me still.
The smile I wore as a mask
to hide my grief was made of iron will.
I wear that mask still.
I know you are not in pain
and I know that you are doing fine,
but I miss you terribly.
I know that I will never hear
the words “I love you”
again in this life,
but I continue on
doing what I must do.
People tell me how strong I am,
they do not know how I fall
to my knees when no one is looking.
I know that I will see you again,
But I always ask when…when.
I remember staring at the wooden box
you were in before it was lowered into
the ground and thinking how
it could not be real.
I was worried that you would be
so cold that night.
I was. I am cold still.
I know I promised you
that I would be fine and that you
should do what you had to do,
I lied. I never lied to you before,
but I had to so that you would stop
worrying about me. I am sorry that I lied.
I remember that cold day in December
when I said “see you later.”
It was the darkest and coldest day I ever knew.
I have not felt warmth or seen the sun since that month.
What did I do? Whatever did I do?
I miss you, my love. I miss you so very much.
When I buried you, I buried part of me too.
It is my wish that you are warm now and feel the sun.
It is my wish that you are no longer in pain.
It is my wish that one day… you will be standing in front of me
with open arms, saying “I love you.”
Only then, will I feel warmth once again.
©2012 Relinda R.